Dec 30, 2008

myself

[[[I tend to post these types of things only to my myspace blog, but more and more i feel people aren't on myspace, so I am posting here as well]]]

i am me. through and through, my insides and out, I am just Lana. I am the person behind all of my actions, and all of my struggles, I feel my pain and frustrations.

I feel like I can't do anything. Today I feel weighed down by my abilities. I can't wake up early, but lazily hit snooze for an hour. I am still new at my job, and therefore don't always know what I am doing, which makes me feel inadequate. Then I'm trying to learn french, and I just can't do it. Why does it feel sometimes like everyone is smarter than you, and better than you at everything?

And then a 2 year scar re-surfaces, and the pain feels so fresh again, like it just happened. It hurts so bad, but I miss it so much. Sometimes I really wish I didn't live across the country from my entire family, and some of my old friends. I wanted to call my mom today and see if she wanted to eat lunch with me, except that she is on the other side of the world. I wasn't meant to exist so far away from my family. Its so hard.

I am such a different Lana than I was 2 years ago. Mostly for the better, but still sometimes I want to be back in LA with my old friends, those that were the closest to me fell apart at the end in such an ugly way, but before that they were the best, closest friends i had. I have my friends here, but not that constant everyday companionship like those 2. I don't have any memories here. I miss my memories. I didn't think after 2 years I would still feel so new. But I am so new to this city, and my life here. It also doesn't help that I've been out of the picture the last 6 weeks. I need people in my life. I can't get along without companionship. Some people can, but I certainly need other people in my life.

I just really didn't have a good day. Emotionally I've felt so weighed down. I'm so glad to have my cell tonight.

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