Feb 17, 2009

valentines day

weird- i don't really know how i feel about this holiday. I think it's a great day to celebrate love, in whatever form it takes in your life. I snuck over to Walter's house and set up some shelves in their kitchen + bought some gadgets they should have, and made him a re-useable lunch bag. That was fun for me, and that's how i show Weegie that I love him. Some people have negative views of it, and they are entitled to their own opinions. It does give you weird expectations (as much as in my head i tell myself, and really believe that i don't need anything on this one particular day that proves someone loves me more than any other day, i still end up feeling bummed out) am i just jealous? Sometimes I struggle with the way i feel. It doesn't always match how i think. In this instance:

I think that i don't need anything on this day
I feel sad when I don't get something on this day

how do I reconcile these 2 things? I want to be a woman who doesn't need things like this to feel love, yet i am a woman who feels loved when she receives these things.

I feel as if I'm stuck in a weird place between my heart and my head. Which one is right, and which one is true Lana?

Does anyone else ever feel like their heart and head are doing/saying 2 different things? Which one do you go with?

I just had a great night at the Stakeholders meeting/making brownies and coffee with kephart, weeg, and haley, plus watching youtube videos.

I will be gone next Thurs am for 2 1/2 weeks, so if you are free anytime before then and would like to hang out, i would like to see you.

2 comments:

jenibender said...

okay wow, i could have written this whole blog this past weekend... man simply said, the head and heart war is a bitch. ask mark. i have been a psycho the past few days. mad because he thinks valentines day is stupid, even though i think it's stupid too, i still wanted to be shown/given something. he went to a tattoo shop and hung with his uncle and friends and i sat at home and sulked, only to argue when he got back. yay valentine's! so ridiculous. all i wanted was to be together, be somewhere in my girly crazy maniac brain, i am thinking... i want flowers. i want something. show me show me show me. maybe i am not pretty, maybe i am fat, maybe i am not worth it, maybe i am not special... what the f. i totally know those things are crazy, but that's how i felt. seriously sometimes my brain and heart are so different it's frightening. i am so happy you wrote this seriously. not happy that you struggle with it, but happy to know i am not alone in it... and well, neither are you. we need to hang very soon. you are loved lana. and you deserve to know and be shown it every day. but for the days you aren't shown, just know that you are! xoxoox

joshua said...

i think it's okay to want to feel special even if you think the commercial-ness is whack.