Feb 15, 2009

well well

I'm feeling pretty sad today. I don't know exactly how I feel about sharing intimate parts of my life on this very public blog- but I think most everyone who reads this is a personal friend, or family member, and therefore I'm going to share.

For the past 3 or 4 months I've been what I'm finally able to say out loud..depressed. What i mean by "finally able to say out loud" is that I didn't think i was allowed, or able to be depressed. I am a happy person, and I have so many good things in my life. I have no reason to be sad. I've been trying to hide it as best I could- but then i realized, the more i hide it, the less able I am to receive help. I've not had the best reactions from people when I first tried to say it, and that made it hard too. The people closest to me, who I expected to understand the most, understood the least.

I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel hopeless. And when i feel like i need companionship the most, I end up feeling abandoned. Some days I'm fine, and I feel like it's all good, and then without warning, I get extremely sad, and just want to lay in bed all day and cry.

I really wished it were ok to just be sad sometimes. I think it's so unexpected for people to see me sad- so they ask and ask what's wrong, and I just want to be allowed to feel this way. It's hard enough for me to deal with it- because I am not in control of it, but then i feel guilty about it because the people around me think something is "wrong" with me. I don't think it's wrong. I think it's how I feel, and what I'm going through and I just need some understanding, grace, and maybe a little extra love from you.

I miss my family so much- i can't think about them without wanting to cry.
I feel so utterly lost sometimes. Like "what in the hell am i doing right now??"

I haven't really shared much of this with anyone, because I feel like I can't. I don't think people will understand- so i've been keeping it in. That's getting harder and harder, and I don't really want to do that anymore.

I don't really know what I expected to get out of this. It's just easier to write things down sometimes. I am ok- and I will be ok. But i want to start recognizing my feelings, instead of dismissing them. Here's me trying to do that.

1 comment:

joshua said...

i'm glad you get to spend some time with the fam. it may not solve all your problems but sounds like a good time.