Oct 6, 2009

personal things

alright- this blog started off personal, got non-personal, and is now going to be personal again (for at least this post) I have too much going on inside my head, and no place to let it out. And I miss writing it down.

I am so confused. I have always been the girl who had her shit together. I was the girl who was on top of things, had a good job, was organized, and pulled together. I knew what I wanted, and I worked hard to get it. I was confident in my life, I could support myself, and I was living life exactly the way I wanted to. Hmm..maybe that's an indication as to why everything fell apart.

In the past couple of weeks I lost my current job. It was a surprise, but I felt relieved. I always loved that job because i was working for one my my best friends, but I never really loved the actual job itself. I'm happy and relieved that John and I can go back to being just friends. It's nice. I also found out I didn't get the blogging position I was really excited about. That was an even bigger bummer. So here I am at 23, with no job for the very first time in my life. I don't even know where to begin. Filing for unemployment was the most dis-satisfying thing. I didn't even want to do it. I feel like its for people who can't help themselves. I can help myself. But i did it anyways. free money? alright, i guess.

Not having a job put a big damper on the whole house buying thing. I can't really move forward with that until I get another job, and get some income history. bash. I moved in with the keenans which has been magical and amazing. It's so nice to be around people who you know care about you. even enough to tease you. But this was supposed to be temporary until I bought a house. With my entire family coming for Christmas, and house buying at least 6 months out, I'm now looking at finding a new house to rent for a period of time with 1 other person. interested?

I've requested information from a couple schools in the area about their pastry programs. Back to School? Seems crazy, I was SO done 3 years ago, do I really want to go back? I do miss learning.

I'm 23, and my life looks nothing like I wanted it to. That's difficult, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. I thought I had everything under control, but it all blew up in my face, and I'm still struggling with feeling inadequate, dis-satisfied, lonely, and like a screw-up. I feel like I've disappointed my family, and that blows.

I'm masking it with a smile, like I always do, but I could still use all the hugs I could get. Everyday is scary, and I feel like I'm spiraling downwards. It feels like nothing is working here, and I even thought about moving yesterday. closer to my family, somewhere new.

I'm dealing. I'm struggling with it all, but I'm trying to take care of it. I need support, and love, and care, and friends. I feel like a fragile egg thats going to break. I'm trying to stay strong, but I'm always strong, and part of me just wants to fall apart.

ok- I think that's enough for now.


lady.shiv said...

One thing to keep in mind: you're only 23 (almost 24). Your life has been so ahead of most people's at your (our) age. Give yourself a break. Things aren't what you thought they'd be right now but your potential is limitless. Don't push yourself so hard! You are loved and supported.

Bangs said...

Big sister is a pastry chef. Loves it. Says everyone should work in that field.
Go for it?

Anonymous said...

Lana...I understand this whole blog as though I wrote it myself...this was the summer of re-learning myself...and that is a lot harder than it seems...no matter what age you are. Feeling inadequate is a tough one to get through...especially when you are a strong person. Just remind yourself of that...be strong...take some time to think...you deserve it...re-learn yourself. The past few months ended up being a wonderful eye-opening experience for me...I feel like myself again. You are wonderful :) love, Lili

jenibender said...

Lana, believe me i understand where you're at. I have been there a few times. I lost my job a couple of years ago and have been back and forth with it since. I am working part time at something I know won't last, want to move, can't, need money blah blah. BUT - Things have a way for coming back together. Sometimes life throws us these wrenches to make sure we are where we want to be. At least I like to think of that way.

You are SO young. I am 32 and am so not where I thought I would be, you've got plenty of time! Definitely take the unemployment, I have been self employed so I don't even qualify for it, you've paid money into it, this is what it's there for, ya know.

Try to take some time and do things that you love to do, enjoy yourself, it will come to you. You've got good friends and family who love and support you and you always have God on your side. Who can ask for more??

I also wanted to say, you most definitely don't have to hide behind your smile. If you are going through, it go through it. Let yourself feel what you feel, it is so very important. Everyone will love you just the same. Promise.

Jonny Rashid said...

In my thoughts and prayers. Just a phone call away, too.

lover mother said...

when you get home we will wrap you in bubble wrap and have one of those experiments that we drop you off the roof- AND - you won't break- cause your a strong lady. keep doing what your doing and have fun in vagas