alright- this blog started off personal, got non-personal, and is now going to be personal again (for at least this post) I have too much going on inside my head, and no place to let it out. And I miss writing it down.
I am so confused. I have always been the girl who had her shit together. I was the girl who was on top of things, had a good job, was organized, and pulled together. I knew what I wanted, and I worked hard to get it. I was confident in my life, I could support myself, and I was living life exactly the way I wanted to. Hmm..maybe that's an indication as to why everything fell apart.
In the past couple of weeks I lost my current job. It was a surprise, but I felt relieved. I always loved that job because i was working for one my my best friends, but I never really loved the actual job itself. I'm happy and relieved that John and I can go back to being just friends. It's nice. I also found out I didn't get the blogging position I was really excited about. That was an even bigger bummer. So here I am at 23, with no job for the very first time in my life. I don't even know where to begin. Filing for unemployment was the most dis-satisfying thing. I didn't even want to do it. I feel like its for people who can't help themselves. I can help myself. But i did it anyways. free money? alright, i guess.
Not having a job put a big damper on the whole house buying thing. I can't really move forward with that until I get another job, and get some income history. bash. I moved in with the keenans which has been magical and amazing. It's so nice to be around people who you know care about you. even enough to tease you. But this was supposed to be temporary until I bought a house. With my entire family coming for Christmas, and house buying at least 6 months out, I'm now looking at finding a new house to rent for a period of time with 1 other person. interested?
I've requested information from a couple schools in the area about their pastry programs. Back to School? Seems crazy, I was SO done 3 years ago, do I really want to go back? I do miss learning.
I'm 23, and my life looks nothing like I wanted it to. That's difficult, but I'm trying to come to terms with it. I thought I had everything under control, but it all blew up in my face, and I'm still struggling with feeling inadequate, dis-satisfied, lonely, and like a screw-up. I feel like I've disappointed my family, and that blows.
I'm masking it with a smile, like I always do, but I could still use all the hugs I could get. Everyday is scary, and I feel like I'm spiraling downwards. It feels like nothing is working here, and I even thought about moving yesterday. closer to my family, somewhere new.
I'm dealing. I'm struggling with it all, but I'm trying to take care of it. I need support, and love, and care, and friends. I feel like a fragile egg thats going to break. I'm trying to stay strong, but I'm always strong, and part of me just wants to fall apart.
ok- I think that's enough for now.