weekend of fun

i had to be out of my place today, so im having a slumber party at Lauren's for the weekend! It's mostly good, except when Javi (her cat) tries to attack me. We're being civil for now. We have a day planned to do a bunch of portlandy things before I go. velvet painting museum, saturday market, chinese gardens, etc etc.

I'm going to miss certain things about this city, but mostly with everything I always think "i like it better in philly" so i'm pretty sure I won't miss it for long. What i will miss is: Lauren, Curtis, my job. My job entails the girls I worked with, the customers i came to know and love, and the quirkyness of our little store. I'll also miss some new friends I've met, that had I met them awhile ago I may not have wanted to come back to Philly so badly.

I got into a relationship right when I first moved here. I spent the majority of my first year here being involved with all that comes in a relationship. I didn't give myself room or time to grow here as an individual. I wanted a connection with someone because i was in this new place, and he was nice, and fun and we seemed to get along well. He was different than anyone I had dated previously, but i thought I liked that. i started to grow resentful after months and months of a lot of words, but no action. I began to feel like I was being led on, or lied to. It was hard to trust him anymore. I wanted it to work, but i finally realized it should just work..i shouldn't have to make it work. it should be easy, i should feel blessed, not stressed. it was the first time i ever broke up with some one. it felt good to know what i needed and get it. taking care of myself tends to be a low priority for me. I want to fix and help everyone around me, and i think that's why i get into these relationships with boys who are still figuring their stuff out. I can help them, and fix their problems, and take care of them. It's unhealthy and doesn't make for a very balanced relationship. It's good to grow and learn. I can honestly say I walk away from every relationship I have learning something about myself, and knowing better how to do it next time. It would be nice to not have a next time. I'm enjoying my alone time right now, and am excited for Philly time, and having my ladies around, and getting back in the groove with my community. I always want to be independent, regardless of my relationship status. i need to be my own person, and exist in life as an individual. I don't want to give myself up. I think i'll know when its right because i won't have to. i can be wholly me, and still function along side someone else. what a beautiful thing.

We're turning 26 this year. I'm so glad I'll be able to celebrate siobhlana day. i think i always say, every year "i'm not where i thought i'd be" on my birthday. This year I want to be exactly where I thought I'd be. Here and now. Ever present.

im making plans for next week. who wants to hang? i've already got a honey's date with one of my favorite ladies. i suspect there will be at least one night spent at the lost bar watching a phillies game? how about a drink at the abbaye? a late night bike ride for soft pretzels? Pizza night @ the Keenans? I actually, in my heart of hearts still cannot believe I'm moving back. It doesn't feel real. i can't wait for 3 little girls to wake me up with their soft whispers of "lick her nose!" "no, you lick her nose!"

My mom was right. I'm always happy in Philadelphia.


Siobhan said…
ahhhhhhhh I can't wait! I want to do all of those things with you! (that my baby schedule allows). Can't wait to turn 26 together :-)